Finding A Rhythm (or just keep swimming)
Finding a rhythm has taken on such a new perspective as we continue the dance with LBD. I always thought that finding our rhythm was just cruising along, keeping our ducks in a row, and keeping life on an even keel, and well communicated. Huh … whoda thunk.
With the changes in my love’s general demeanor, a la LBD, we’ve been taking on some different perspectives in our lives. With anxiety increasing, we’ve found that simple adjustments in life here at Half Ass Acres, the loving term we use for our humble hovel, can have challenging results. The signs were slight at first, a little redness in the face, occasionally the grimace would appear, and then the picking and chewing. There was hardly a fingernail safe on those hands; torn and angry like the look on his face. “Stop chewing”, I would say followed by his retort, “I’m not chewing”. It was a battle that I had to learn to not participate in. He really didn’t even realize what he was doing. A simple “are you okay?” was usually followed by “I’m fine”. Yes, ladies, I just had to giggle as I thought about my favorite comedian Bobby Collins. My response was only whispered “on the inside”. Once we realized and discussed the presence of the anxiety, where on earth was it coming from?
“What are your stress triggers” was an eye-opening discussion with the neuro-psychiatrist. We lead a pretty nice, albeit quiet, life. We have space on the property, amazing birds, woodland creatures, no close neighbors; no real issues. So, pen in hand, we started taking notes as to the “what” and “when” the anxiety appeared. It really was weird. Things that most people, including my love previously, enjoyed and found comfort and joy in were now sending little triggers to my love’s brain. Phone calls were now frustrating, anger-motivating, and not enjoyable. The fuse was short and getting shorter by the minute. Television shows that we enjoyed, documentaries and such, created angry outbursts. Literally, we reduced national news to about 30 minutes, an hour max, as it really set the tone for the evening. Visitors cause angst and me leaving the house sometimes results in text messages, “where are you” and “when are you coming home”
Throw in the stress of covid and maintaining a “bubble”, ongoing doctor’s visits were quickly converted to zoom calls. Imagine having a conversation with your healthcare provider on a cell phone, trying to hear, “show me this…”, point to that, “I’ll give you a prescription for that”, having to wait in your car and texting the lab that you’ve arrived for your bloodwork, “No, Mr. Shearer, your wife can’t come with you …”. UGH! I was incredibly frustrated; imagine what my love was thinking? Oh, and by the way, Lewy Body Dementia just sucks and your brain will go to butter; so there’s that.
The dementia is definitely on the increase. It was incredibly heart-breaking to watch my love in the kitchen, trash in his hand, slowly turning in circles, and looking around, only to find that he was near panic that he couldn’t remember where the trash can was.
As I walked over and pulled the drawer out, he whispered, “it’s starting and I’m scared…”
Having those moments, ugh, how do we manage? Some days are a mix of Groundhog Day and Finding Dory; other days are great discussions about times from the past. Some of the details may change, but the foundation is there.
So, back to finding a rhythm. We’ve tightened the ship. Everything is in its place and it doesn’t get moved. We write lots of notes and you’ll always find a post-it or two around the house with some random comment or direction. Everything is written on the calendar, and life activities are like clockwork. We start most days and weeks with the plans and activities. It helps my love prepare mentally for change outside our four walls. Our doctor is good with using medicinal marijuana; it’s better than increase some of the other medications. We’ve added one medication to reduce the nightmares and acting out in his sleep. He’s still chasing the bad guys … We’re very boring, but we’re good.
We date, like any couple wanting to maintain a healthy, loving relationship. Car dates are drive-thru to Portillo’s or Shake Shack. Sometimes Hazel, the Wonder Dog joins us, just hanging out in the back seat. We balance what we can, be lazy in bed on Sunday mornings, or sometimes just crawl into bed at 8 pm, just to be cozy. Weather permitting, my love enjoys a cigar on the front porch, I enjoy a nice glass of wine (or two). Sometimes we’re together, sometimes we chill separately. And for now, we really just put two feet on the floor, be thankful for the day, and just keep swimming.
